Hello my Angry Blueberries,
It's Ren, needless to say my fiancee and I are no longer together as of lastnight. It's a complicated story. But long story short, he didn't take kindly to my baldness after giving the okay and proceeded to give me a LENGTH RESTRICTION of SHOULDER LENGTH. Before you assume anything, this is not the first restriction he's given me, and it is the last restriction.
He has restricted me on many things through our relationship. I identify as he/they and to help my gender dysmorphia I decided that I'd bring up the idea of transitioning to male. He did not appreciate that idea and shot it down- and while he politely shot down the idea- it still damaged my self image. I was just scared to tell him.
I was not allowed to be honest or open with his mother. AKA my former future mother in law. And in result had gotten in trouble for changing my Facebook status to "Engaged" because he hadn't told her and probably never would have. He scheduled the wedding for a good 5- 6 years.
Which got me thinking..
What if he didn't love me? It turns out, the public's opinion of us was more important to him than how we felt. In everything he did he would trample himself for absolute perfection. Which stressed him out. Which also in-turn made it nearly impossible to talk to him about serious matters. Not to mention when I needed him most.. he was more interested in his video games and his memes and videos. I understand that they were a huge part of his life. But I would think that his future spouse would be just as important- if not more important- than his video games.
I held feelings for him for years, but I think he just.. didn't want to commit. He didn't want to marry me, he liked the IDEA of me.
Of my body.
Of my image.
Not the person inside the image, but the outside. His reasoning?
"It's a visual thing."
That doesn't make it better. I enjoy looking masculine, I enjoy being able to express my identity. And honestly.. I really thought he was the one until he started placing restrictions... I told him not to control me.. and he tried to push me down and hold me to the ground. Metaphorically speaking..
Honestly I think I might be better off with my fictional men and start looking for a woman. Someone strong, someone who'll accept me for myself completely and wholeheartedly, someone beautiful and amazing.. Supportive.. but not overbearing. Someone like my mother. Stern when needed but generally sweet... And who'll let me wear my suits if I want to... And accept my short hair and generally masc style.
Anyways, Thank You all for reading! BYEEEEE!
