March 21st 2022

 Hello my Angry Blueberries! It's Ren again, 

Life's been going by way too fast for me lately, it's been about a week since I've last posted.. In that last post I mentioned rejoining the pool of singles in the modern world. Which scares the crap out of me to be honest. In this day and age you never know who you can trust, who's hiding something, or what you're going to get into when you go to meet someone for a date.

In a world so large.. how are we supposed to find that special someone? That one person that'll stick with you for who you are as an individual and won't change you..

Some of us never even find that someone in our lives. Some of us never live long enough to. And some of us just don't care to. 

I wish that I was able to tell who can and cannot be trusted with my heart if I'm honest.. Nobody really understands me, nobody really is ok with whatever I do. Well, besides me. Maybe I'm not meant for anyone? Maybe everything I've done up to this point is just filler material and I'm wasting my precious time? But that wouldn't make sense.. I've taken every offer, turned away danger, and I've kept pushing through this whole time..

What else am I supposed to do? What more do I need to do to get where I wanna be? 

I don't know, but I think I need to figure it out. That and let loose a little.. I'm always so uptight.. always so stressed. Even with his rules and structures for me gone.. I'm still stressed.. I need a job.. Maybe I'll start doing Art Commissions, bring in some money to my PayPal and all that fun stuff.. I just need my own space to be free from everything. 

I need out of this house, out on my own, with my pup and my friend at my side.. 

At least for a little while.. 

Just for a little while..

Life Update

 Hello my Angry Blueberries,

It's Ren, needless to say my fiancee and I are no longer together as of lastnight. It's a complicated story. But long story short, he didn't take kindly to my baldness after giving the okay and proceeded to give me a LENGTH RESTRICTION of SHOULDER LENGTH. Before you assume anything, this is not the first restriction he's given me, and it is the last restriction.

He has restricted me on many things through our relationship. I identify as he/they and to help my gender dysmorphia I decided that I'd bring up the idea of transitioning to male. He did not appreciate that idea and shot it down- and while he politely shot down the idea- it still damaged my self image. I was just scared to tell him.

I was not allowed to be honest or open with his mother. AKA my former future mother in law. And in result had gotten in trouble for changing my Facebook status to "Engaged" because he hadn't told her and probably never would have. He scheduled the wedding for a good 5- 6 years.

 Which got me thinking.. 

What if he didn't love me? It turns out, the public's opinion of us was more important to him than how we felt. In everything he did he would trample himself for absolute perfection. Which stressed him out. Which also in-turn made it nearly impossible to talk to him about serious matters. Not to mention when I needed him most.. he was more interested in his video games and his memes and videos. I understand that they were a huge part of his life. But I would think that his future spouse would be just as important- if not more important- than his video games. 

I held feelings for him for years, but I think he just.. didn't want to commit. He didn't want to marry me, he liked the IDEA of me. 

Of my body.

Of my image. 

Not the person inside the image, but the outside. His reasoning?

"It's a visual thing."

That doesn't make it better. I enjoy looking masculine, I enjoy being able to express my identity. And honestly.. I really thought he was the one until he started placing restrictions... I told him not to control me.. and he tried to push me down and hold me to the ground. Metaphorically speaking.. 

Honestly I think I might be better off with my fictional men and start looking for a woman. Someone strong, someone who'll accept me for myself completely and wholeheartedly, someone beautiful and amazing.. Supportive.. but not overbearing. Someone like my mother. Stern when needed but generally sweet... And who'll let me wear my suits if I want to... And accept my short hair and generally masc style.

Anyways, Thank You all for reading! BYEEEEE!

New Update

 Hello my Angry Blueberries,

I'm deciding that this Blog is gonna be a summary of my weekly life, seeing as I don't have much motivation to write everyday. I've gotten a lot more active recently and I feel a lot better, I also got a new haircut- well. More like I've completely shaved off my hair. I'm going to start my hair growth back up fresh and new, the way it should be rather than all bleached and dead. 

I really like the lightness of my head since the haircut too! But every now and then I keep forgetting I cut it off, I keep thinking that I have it in a ponytail or a bun. But I remember that I cut it off and I chuckle at myself for it.

I went to the laundromat to get the majority of my laundry done too, had some sonics and hung out with my mom and her fiancee. 

But here lately I've been wondering who I am and how I work. 

I know my name and age and when and where I was born.. but I don't know my personality well, I know I try to be funny. I try to be fun. But people see me as angry and rude most times. I don't know how I come off that way. Some people say I'm nice, or strange, or too kind for where I am. But I'm not sure..

I'll title my Personality Journey under "Finding Myself" It'll come to me eventually. Although I'm trying to walk the High Priestess Archetype path. I'm going to try to meditate more and connect more with the higher powers of the universe. I do not have a set Pantheon. But I do believe that there is something out there that writes our fates.

Anyways, that's all I have for today. I will see you all next week!

March 1st 2022

 Hello my Angry Blueberries,

It's your favorite Blueberry Boy Ren, if you made it to my blog that means you know me from YouTube, Twitch, TikTok, Instagram, or Facebook. Welcome friends, family, or subs. I figured that a good way to start making myself more productive would be to start up a blog. Not only about my daily life in general, but so that I can frequently update everyone with questions or even communicate with my people individually.

This blog is a work in progress as I keep up with projects and my daily stress or personal development. There will be days that I will be sad or upset. In need of support, or just wanting to talk to somebody due to being home all the time. Speaking of projects and things I'm doing. The list below is a list of things I am going to do in the next year or so.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Projects List:

ARG: Ultraviolet (W.I.P)

Yard Sale (Spring/Summer)

GoFundMe (Fundraising for Bridal Business WIP)

Etsy Shop Startup

Angry Blueberry Merch

Among Our Stars (Character Development)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I will also be going through the steps and such that I will be using to make my mother's wedding dress! 

It's going to be my first real dress sewn by machine, with handmade roses and carnations cascading down the front of it. I'm so excited to be a part of it!

Thank You for reading this far! Talk to you all tomorrow!!